4. If all good dogs go to Heaven, will their barking keep you up nights?

Before we wrap Heaven up and put it in the freezer, we should at least touch on that age old question that all pet lovers invariably ask: Do animals go to Heaven? And of course, if they do, a whole lot of others want to know if they go to a Bestial Heaven, or do we have to listen to the neighbor's dogs howling for all eternity.

Well, the answer's not that simple. Only a spirit which has climbed to the top of the ladder of Enlightenment can get into Heaven. The ancients believed animals were lower on the scale than humans, and that women were lower than men. Today we know that's a lot of bunk.

You can tell how enlightened a spirit is by how bright he shines. Let me tell you, some dogs are lots brighter than some people, and contrary to what the ancients believed, most women are brighter than most men. In fact, the brightest spirit on record was the spirit of a female dolphin. That's why any educated, sort-of-enlightened spirit will tell you a female dolphin has the best chance of leaping up through the Cosmic Hoop of Life into the Heavenly Bowl of Ice Cream.

Next | Table of Contents